Frusration and frenzy

I've been out of hospital for four days now, following a third operation to try and fix my bloody broken arm. I was under the anasthetic for about 7 hours and Dr Rolland (my surgeon) said they took much longer to do the operation than he thought it would. They have taken a chunk of bone from my hip, so now I can't walk well and my right arm is useless and it is all incredibly painful. When I move my legs at all it feels like someone is trying to saw off my leg with a burning bread knife, an absolutely killing, searing pain in my crotch. The only thing to do is lie very still and take lots of deep breaths and after a while it becomes bearable.

I'm determined that this time it is going to work as I'm fed up of being an invalid. I hate feeling invalid (interesting- I hadn't put together the two different meanings of this word). Yesterday morning I  sent Toby a text asking for some breakfast in bed and he rang up saying that he was half way to Poitiers so no! I  had no idea that he was going to Poitiers yesterday and it felt strange given that he had only left the bedroom a few minutes earlier (okay, it may have been more than a few minutes!) but I think I just feel very out of the loop and being a control freak, I find this disempowering. I don't really know what I expect as I do need to stay in bed and get lots of sleep and I can't have everything.

Some time later: I went downstairs to get my breakfast myself. I'm having honey, lemon, hot water and turmeric every day as I have read a lot about the wonderful healing power of tumuric. Also freshly squeezed orange juice as that must help with everything. Harriet cut the lemon for me but the kitchen was so disgusting I started to clean it up. Debbie rang while I was doing some washing up (not very well due to only having the use of one arm) and I had a winge to her about having to clean up. She said Andy is just the same, leaving jammy knives lying round in the kitchen, etc. Well, obviously Toby feels that he is doing everything fine because he then had a go at me for moaning to Debbie - I must admit it was very disloyal to Toby as he is doing so much more than he usually does, but it wasn't a massive moan.

A bit later on I was still cleaning the kitchen and as I was putting something away in the fridge the cheese box fell out and went all over the floor. It was just that, had I had two arms I would have easily caught it, but it was the final straw and  I was already stirring myself up into a frenzy with dangerous self-talk and I just lost it, screaming (literally, no words, just a scream) and swearing. He came and tried to give me a hug and I pushed him away, with some catty remark. Oh god, I'm so horrible. It's just so frustrating not being able to do anything and being in constant pain. I'm feeling miserable and useless and I took it out on him, the one person that I should be supporting verbally more than ever, as he is a star and is being so wonderful.

The next day I apologized and he said "I'm still really livid about it. You've got no idea how much I'm doing and yes, perhaps some of the housework is slipping but I'm really really annoyed with you. " Oh dear. I feel even more guilty now. I just hate not being able to do everything myself.