Coach lunch

Toby took me and Ali to lunch today after our coach meeting which was lovely. We popped in to see Nick Perry on the way home. Then we went to take photos of Chez Renard in the sun. After we got home Tobes opened the pool for the first time and cleaned it and I sat in the sun and read my book. Real heaven. I made pasties for supper and watched telly all evening when I meant to write my description. There's a new series of The Good Wife called the Good Fight. It's brilliant we both loved it.

Sowing

Today was another lovely day. We took the rubbish to the tip and bought two bins of compost so this afternoon I sowed 86 melon seeds of different varieties: I think it was 48 charentais, water melons, honey dew I think and one other type. also eight butternut squash plants. I hope they work. I really can't wait to do some more gardening - I really love it.

Estate agent day

I had a lovely day today. Mme Remblier picked me up and we chatted about the world, the people on the dole and the French workers who are more interested in their pay, holidays and knocking off work at 5.30 than in doing a good job. Then she told me about her childhood in Les Petits Plats -she was the youngest of 11 children and has blissful memories of her childhood - putting on plays in full costume no less on the high ground behind the two lime trees. She said she saw that the hook for hanging the wire that held the curtain is still there, and the whole village came to watch! And there was an old man who had a hangar full of toys, enough for all the children: bicycles, scooters, go-carts, see saws, swings and roundabouts, all of which he had made himself. There was enough for all the children in the hamlet. Then as we got closer she started pointing out "this is the way we used to go the long way round to collect chestnuts and arrive at school with our pockets bulging!" Then she rather wistfully said what a shame it is that children today don't have such opportunities. I spent the rest of the morning with Dawn and Joe Rogers, who have lived in arid Spain for the last 11 years and in their early 60s feel that they have one more adventure left in them. They loved the countryside and the lush greenery and were really sweet. she'd like to have a horse so they need a bit of land. they liked Les Petits Plats but would prefer a house that was detached, and they also liked Viviers but the field was a bit too far away and they were worried about the cost of clearing it and fencing the whole thing. Then they brought me home and Richard was here- he is Alan's brother-in-law and our latest recruit so I took him with me this afternoon to do a mandate. It was for Mavis in Chez Renard and when we arrived Gill And Mike were there. Anyway, it was quite a sweet little house in Chez Renard but the granny annex in only half finished as poor old Bert dies of cancer before he could get it finished - She said at the beginning that Merry had been there this morning and she didn't like her, but after I had given her my price I found out why: Merry had told her 40,000€. I told her that I couldn't put it on for more than 50,000€ and she just shook her head. Poor thing, it is such an emotional investment for her as her lovely husband has done so much work but they bought in in 2011 for 30,000€ And I explained that I had lots of properties for 30 and 40,000€ that were just as good or better. I asked her if she ever wanted to come back and she said no and her daughters didn't want to come for holidays either so I said that in that case she would be better off just putting it at the right price and getting shot of it. Anyway, it is in Bert's name so Robineaud needs to do the succession and I think another good reason for fixing the Price low is to avoid inheritance tax. I think that the threshold is 50,000€ so that's in our favour. The problem is that Gill had said 80,000€ ! No way! Tonight I watched a documentary about Rio Ferdinand being Mum and Dad to his three kids after his wife died of breat cancer which was very thought provoking.

Why am I an estate agent?

When I first started it was fun, interesting to be nosy to see inside lots of different houses and meet lots of different people and help make their dreams come true and share my beliefs about France. Now that the novelty has worn off and he legal requirements have become so onerous it brings me less joy than it used to so I need to analyze everything about myself and find something to do that will bring me joy. Also and obviously it is for the money. We all have to earn a living and this was a way of doing it that was largely enjoyable, and maybe it will be again.

So am I grown up yet?

Forty six years old, and I'm still waiting for grown-uppedness to strike. Perhaps it will just be a quick swoop from a prolonged adolescence into unremitting old age. I think my father never felt grown up. I remembering him saying that you keep moving the goalposts, and then a couple of years ago, approaching eighty, he suddenly seemed ready to drop of the perch.

As Helen Keller said "Strength of character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." My life has thus far been too quiet and easy, and while it seems mad to wish for trial and suffering, how is my soul to be strengthened otherwise? Where will the inspiration for ambition come from if not from tribulation? Not from watching Britain's got Talent; that for sure.

Not that I feel my life, thus far, has been squandered. I have a wonderful family, live in a beautiful place, have a great job (not completely free from the occasional trial)and really good friends, but somehow I can't seem to get away from the nagging conviction that there must be more to life than this.

All the people I know who have been through periods of immense suffering seem to me to be the strongest, most well-balanced and most of all, genuine people. Perhaps there isn't more - it's just that the suffering makes you appreciate the calm, undemanding, pleasures of good friendships, a nice glass of wine and decent conversation. Blimey, this is one from six years ago. I'm 52 now and don't feel any more grown up, though I guess this car accident and subsequent handicaps could be called a tribulation, I don't think it can really be seen as a period of immense suffering. However, I'm rather hoping that it will lead me to find my strengths and change my life in some small way and make me a better person.

so is life about growing up, getting a job, getting married and having kids of your own?

As a child I had two uncles: my father's sister's husband, who came into my life quite late(my aunt was almost 40 when they married)and quite soon afterwards got a brain tumour, went mad and died so I never really got to know him; and my mother's brother, who was a glamourous, drinking, swearing, dashing and artistic man whom I adored. Sadly, he also met an untimely death - drowned sailing off the coast of Brittany in 1980. He had six children (that I know of)who are all adorable

It was his father, my maternal grandfather who was everyone's darling and who had the confidence to know that he brightened the room, without being conceited or arrogant. My brother has this gift and so, I dare say, does Lily Blue whose career in fashion is sky-rocketing in California; I am slowly coming to the conclusion that if you believe it, it can be true for you too, and me, and all of us. I think Freddy has it, and Gus too, to a slightly lesser extent as he is very prone to blushing! Gus is very like Markie in so many ways, but physically especially. It's quite like having Markie here when Gus comes home for the weekend.

Spring

Yesterday the clocks went forward and it was a lovely spring day. I spent a lot of time pulling out last year's rasberry caned and weeding the herb garden. It was wonderful but I'm not feeling my usual chirpy self yet. Still having trouble sleeping due to the pain, and last night I started to get into a panic because I thought I had done something to my arm because it is so much more painful than it was before as it has been getting better and better. It was also Mothers'Day in England yesterday and I was so busy in the garden and hanging out the washing that I forgot to ring my mother. Well I'm just going to have a little siesta and then I'll ring her. I'm getting a bit fed up of being an estate agent and fancy finding something else that I can do to earn a bit of money and fulfill myself. It's partly the coaching as I feel that some of my coachees are particularly resistant to being coached, but it's also that I haven't been doing very sell lately although that is mostly because I can't drive. I need to find out what my strengths are and find something to do based around that. Harriet and Freddy are both learning to drive. Freddy loves it and is keen to drive everywhere all weekend. Harri is more nervous and hasn't actually done any driving with me yet.